Allahu Allahu

Assalamualaikum. As of right now. I want to this page to be called Merciful Servant. Because I am inspired by the videos of the Merciful Servants on Youtube. May Allah grant those youtubers Jannah for their ongoing da’wah . My eyes are starting to open.

Bismillah.

Praying to Allah that HE strengthen my eeman and forgive my sins although I still sin. And musters up my courage to fight against sins. So that I may stop doing it.That HE makes me a thankful servant to HIM. And I pray to Allah that HE protect my parents. Prolong their lives , bestow berkah and increase their rezeki.

My name is Muhammad Hamdan . And I am a sinner . And always will be one. A person who just can’t run from doing mistakes. I am a sinner on a journey to Jannah- trying-  Hope to be the fortunate ones arriving back to his eternal abode, and receive the ultimate honour of meeting again with Allah. Or will I be dragged to Hellfire?  I don’t really know.

I have a fluctuating eeman. I don’t really recognize  what Allah has blessed to me (eeman and Islam). I am extremely oblivious to Allah’s magnificence. Blinded to see the immensity of Allah ..to feel fear towards HIM .  To feel the happiness , the beauty, the izzah , the desire in just saying Allah’s name. To feel to need Allah in my life. Every second of my life. 

But maybe this absence of feeling is what keeps me sinning all the time.Honestly, this heart tries to miss Allah.  This heart tries remind itself of the nikmah that Allah has provided . And how Allah asks for so little from me. That I just save myself from the Hellfire.  How many days have I been given the opportunity to ask for Allah’s forgiveness. And not notice that Allah loves me so much to keep letting me have this chance. It would be 20 years to the day Allah has given me life. A step closer to having this life taken away to be given back to Allah.

Unspeakable amount of sins committed at such a young age. I’m so ashamed. Then again. I don’t act like it. But deep down in my heart. Can’t tell you the feeling of disobeying Allah. It’s as if I have lost connection with a very good friend. Or like when I lost my grandma. That incident left me crying for a couple of days. I felt so sad. I was close to my grandma. It was also because of my grandma (and her kindness letting me use the computer) that I got to know some very awesome people in my life. This sadness felt only worse. Because Allah, Lord of the universes. My only Savior. The ONE I turn to. I have betrayed HIS orders.Big time.

Losing loved ones is still bearable . But to lose that closeness feeling to Allah. It’s whole another thing. Imagine feeling nothing. Nothing at all as you disobey your Lord . You're Lord, the ONE who can do absolutely anything to you. I was thaught the sacred laws.  But I effortlessly break all of them. And you know where you headed for with that kind of eeman. Trying to come back to Allah is sweet. Many tears are shed and it feels so good. I don’t know really know how to explain. But It’s like meeting your mom after a very long time. (4 months and waiting) .Or eating after breaking fast. Only 1000 billion times  better. I’m not there yet where I can easily stop disobeying Allah’s orders. Old habits die hard and I need great determination to deal with this. 

(Referring to Isra Mikraj) Learning that for every advice Allah gave Rasulullah, Allah is  also advising humanity. One of that nasihat is to keep doing what your doing. And Allah will love you unconditionally. Isn’t that what we as Allah’s servants want and crave?  Rasulullah was loved by Allah, the likes, the parallels  that never has been seen. Before and never will be seen afterwards. Total nearness to Allah. As no other creation of Allah has experienced. Not even the angels that are near to Allah. Not even the imam of the angels , Jibrail (AS)

A narration says, when Jibrail (AS) when he reaches the boundry of the Siratul Muntaha, he tells the prophet to proceed on. He says : Between me and Allah are 70,000 barriers of light and if I was to go near, I would catch on fire and literally disintegrate. Allah’s nur is so profound.

And Allah drew near to Rasullulah . Closer than a bow and arrow. ‘’Au adna’’ . Meaning even closer. Oh how Allah loved our beloved Rasulullah. More than all the other creations of Allah. Need to keep reminding myself on how to love Allah. Undeniably, it is to love the beloved. Rasulullah. Yet,loving Rasulullah is practicing what he teaches. May Allah grant me consistence in changing into a better Muslim and NOT delve in to hypocrisy. Allahumma Aameen.  *written with tears and a broken heart*